It’s been an increasingly slog of a process creating art for the past 3 years. I know there is still joy in making art and occasionally I actually get into a project and am happy for the work. Most of the time however, I start to work and instantly get tired and want to go to sleep. I can only assume it is a depression. I have been trying to make art for over 10 years now. There are some years you could discount, when I was focused on designing or raising children but, I was always making art and hoping to find security in selling it. I probably went about it all wrong. I recently read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and she said she never put the expectation on her art to make money, that in doing so would have put an unfair pressure on it. Perhaps that is the burden my art is living under and why whenever I attempt to be creative I am overwhelmed with exhaustion.
I’m sure some would say I am not cut out to attempt a career in art. However, I can not believe I am alone in feeling hopeless looking at years of work not finding their audience. From all the stories I hear this is a familiar circumstance. The artists that become successful never give up and just keep making until they finally find their people.
I find my deepest struggle is the since of being completely alone in the search of support. I am introverted but, I am extroverted too. I need to feel I am part of something where a group is succeeding. However succeeding may be expressed, gathering together in support, enjoying a common love, building a project that brings people together, anything that causes a sense of community.
Art is not a group effort most of the time. There are critique groups and online chats and conferences but, they aren’t always reachable. Critique groups struggle to meet, online chats aren’t necessarily at good times of day, conferences are expensive. Social media creates a community but, it’s easy to be lost in the crowd. Any time taken away from posting for any reason and suddenly your relevance is gone.
Time is a limited commodity. I need to be making art but, I have a need to know people see it and want to see more. Being a part of an online community means putting myself out there potentially sounding stupid or giving up my feelings to strangers who may not care and may make me feel worse.
What I know, I want to share my thoughts. I want to share my art. I don’t know why there is a fire inside me that burns to keep trying. I can’t imagine not honoring that feeling.
I’m going to keep trying. I’m not going to give up on myself or my work. No matter how much doubt lives in here. I feel so ridiculous needing to say all of this. Being an artist seems like it should be the easiest job in the world. I can tell you it is not. It requires more than just doing the work, it requires courage and heart. There is a mob of people saying art isn’t a real job, isn’t a skill or deserving of any compensation. There is a subtle war on art. Maybe because artists help us stay human, keep us connecting to each other, bringing a sense of wonder, remind us to ask questions and seek improvement in our lives. These are valuable components to life.
I hope this time I belief my own words and stay committed to myself. I have been sketching and practicing quietly for myself. I have needed this time and more time than I expected to work internally. I think this time I am ready to start sharing. Now to end here and go prepare some more blog posts.
Thanks for reading.